Why "The Trust of the Innocent?"

                                          Welcome ~ And I mean that sincerely.
I'm so happy you found me here at my "new" home on the web. Or "newest" I should say.
I've been blogging for six years at my other site, writing articles, contributing to books.
 However, because my life has taken a drastic detour, I felt called to begin a space to not only journal my thoughts, reflections and my journey but to create a place that is a resource for other warriors.
A little.. ....and the rest will unfold through my reflections here......about me and The Trust of the Innocent :

My  life had become a war zone, gradually, verrrrrry gradually.... over the course of my 22 year marriage.  I became a shell of my former self.  My days and nights turned into months and years rife with constant fear, anxiety, worry. Physical illnesses developed from  perpetual sleeplessness, nervousness. Regular criticisms were the norm about everything I did, made, said, wrote, wore,  gave, created, cooked.  How I walked, dressed, drove, spoke, answered the phone, signed my name. Once upon a time I was  creative and original with home decor, scrapbooks, collages, albums. Once upon a time I  lovingly,  painstakingly prepared meals and table landscapes for loved ones.

That all stopped.

Again, gradually.  Insidiously.

I thought it was all me. All my fault. All the little things, all the big things. Everything gone wrong was me.

The knife I used to cut butter and the brand of flour I bought to make his birthday cake and the size of the onions I minced, cheese I grated and potatoes I mashed. The spatula I used to serve lasagna, which was too spicy,  the lighter I bought for our son's birthday candles, which was too expensive, the grapes I bought as a special treat for our then 7 year old weren't on sale, half eaten bag returned despite tears, the duffel bags I packed with personalized, perfectly planned gifts  for the children to unwrap state by state on our cross country treks. .All of that and more...waaaaaaaaaay more.....were all "wrong...."

I was "stupid" for not knowing how to "be." . How I mopped the floor or folded the laundry,  the cadence I used in speaking with our children, how I turned the ignition upon starting the car,  how much tape I used to  wrap a gift, how I signed our names to Christmas cards.. Every action was assessed, critiqued and called into question, very often leaving in its wake broken glass, torn curtains, ripped recipe cards, destroyed home school books.  Photo - worthy meals were inevitably strewn on walls and floors. Birthday children shed many tears, arms and cheeks bruised, self esteem broken.

 I used to love psychological thrillers. Then I realized I { and my kids} were living one. The worst and scariest. The man I married was the villain. But it was real. The credits didn't roll  two hours in, popcorn and exclamations of "wow, that's intense." There was no escape.

Or so I thought.

How could I allow this to happen to me and to our kids? I see now how, why and when and I'll be exploring and discussing that in depth here on the blog. Bottom line, when you're in the midst of a storm, sometimes  you don't see it for what it is. Empaths, such as myself and my kids are perfect victims.Trusting, loyal, forgiving. Perfect targets for grooming.

"The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool" is a quote I happened upon recently which shook me.  Upon reflection I realized that it  perfectly epitomized my life. Twenty two years of manipulation, brainwashing, gas lighting, triangulating, exploitation, belittling, isolating, separating, hoovering, silent treatment, physical abuse, being objectified and used. And more.

I prayed. And prayed. I ignored the help God sent m way. I didn't want to believe that He actually intended for me and for the children to break free. My husband, soon - to - be - ex , is a child of the Lord's as well. How could I, in good conscience, not stay with this man?

But when it's all tough and you're the only one relying on those vows and your spouse  has broken all of them over and over and over and over? And you hit rock bottom  --  literally at rock bottom-   on the ground,  being screamed at in front of your children,   attempting to defend you from the monster who is their father., on Easter Sunday, home made, gloriously decorated  bunny cake in confectious heaps on the street as you innocently get in the car for dinner at a family member's home, covertly attempting to dodge the fists and the words? . Well......... reality  is what hits you in the face.

I  knew then this cannot be the life God intended for me. It wasn't  one incident. It was thousands, cumulatively, day after day. I suddenly recognized I deserved better than this. My kids deserved better. The next day I  relied on the courts to protect me from the one person who vowed he would protect me 22 years earlier in front of God and 200 family and friends. Who would lay down his life for me honor me, respect me, love me, forsake all others for me..........Fast forward.... that  day he was removed from our home? It became the happiest day of my life.

And the worst.

Because amid my relief and freedom, I suffered. I still do, a year later.  Trauma, flashbacks, guilt, regret.

I research, write, read, seek answers. I journal, reflect. Some days I want to scream. Most days I really want to scream.

 I've come to accept that the man I married does not exist. That he  is an un - diagnosed narcissistic. No, not of Greek mythology. Of our worst nightmares. To the world he is Prince Charming. He volunteers. He is charitable with his time. To me and to my children, he is to be feared. And pitied

 I cannot imagine what it's like to have as a partner in life someone who is truly there for me. And the fact that my children do not have a father who at his very core, is simply nice to them and cares about them? The guilt is, at times, too much.

And this business of divorce?  It's taken on a life of its own. There's no end in sight, 14 months after my filing to dissolve the marriage. It's a tragedy....the official ending of the marriage. It absolutely is.  I'll never stop believing that. But I certainly don't miss him. Not at all. Oh Lord, not at all. What I miss is what I thought I'd have. What I thought the kids would have. Yes, we're in the process of creating a new future. Bordeless and limitless. The right future.

So, my plan for this space? ...to share  my reflections on life now. The unknown, scary yet free-ing exhilarating road ahead. But The Trust of the Innocent will also, I hope, serve as a place of resource, direction and guidance for others on this journey with me. I've benefited from the wisdom of others who have taken this journey. I would like to re-share what I have learned as well as my own personal experiences.

                                      Thank you for reading my story and for your precious time here.
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~ I'll return soon ~ 


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